Single.

I used to think nobody wanted to be single, that everyone wanted to be loved. It's not true.

Actively Single is a way of life. He lives alone. It's a one bedroom apartment. There isn't even much room for a second person in that place. Everything is just tuned, arranged, carved out for one. I was in a space completely of his making, in his cave.

"I don't want to feel like I have to see anyone. I just want to do my own thing." Please leave me alone. I'm single, you see. You can come to visit, sometimes, but I don't think there's room for you to stay.

To slip into drag parlance for a minute, he was giving me relationship realness without the commitment. He wanted the “boyfriend experience” without actually having to be a boyfriend, or even treat me with common decency and emotional respect.

When I said I liked him, he didn't know what to say. He changed the topic. He didn't understand why I was upset. But, it was my fault, of course. He’s single. He doesn't want anything serious. Arm's length is a bit too close, actually. He’s just having fun. Please take a step back.

He told me how much he loathed the corporate culture. He had very little in common with his coworkers. Office work really wasn't "him".

Then there’s Ambiguous Single. I don't even really know if any of our meetings constituted dates. He kissed me once, when he was drunk. He apologised for it later and I regretted getting excited. I unfollowed him on Facebook after I got tired of seeing his banal, formulaic posts get an obligatory 50-something likes in a matter of minutes. I got sick of his jokes.

I check in on his profile one day. A photo of him in bed with a guy - it's a (straight) friend. They're pulling faces, it's funny. Other photos of him with the coworkers he had nothing in common with. More jokes. Memes. Jokes. Memes.

I sent him a very passive-aggressive message after he continued to ignore my messages. New to Melbourne and not knowing anyone, I thought he might end up as a friend, as that’s probably what he needed more than a dating partner. However, he didn’t seem interested in being a friend, either. I probably wasn’t ironic enough. I realise he is water, he is air, he is nothing. There's no person behind the jokes. It's not a coping mechanism or a cover, it's actually all there is. Depthless. He slips between my fingers and I wonder if I ever really touched him. Does he exist? If I go up to his apartment, will there be any traces of life, or just dust and footprints?

Since I broke up with my ex last year, there has not been a significant time where I haven’t been looking for romance, looking for someone. I’m not miserable being single – it’s just that I’d prefer to be with someone.

"I work and I just wanna be by myself." I presume he's still single. I think he mentioned not having been in a relationship before. I can't imagine him sexually, romantically. Everything would be self-aware, ironic, a meme. He'd probably make "banter" while giving head. Single is who he is. I’ve been accused of being a serial dater. It’s hard to know if what you’re doing is healthy or good for you. I don’t know 100% how to analyse my behaviour. I do take breaks from dating / apps sometimes, when I get tired of "the game”, but it’s usually not long before I’m back in, rolling the dice. I want to succeed, I want to win. I want to get out of the cycle.

What I take issue with is being made to feel desperate, sleazy, manipulative, cloying, clingy. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be single, and there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be single.

I think it’s a defining aspect of who I am, that I have love to give. I have a surplus. I’m not incomplete, I just want to find someone to give this to. I can’t really judge those who choose to be single as a lifestyle. As frustrating as it may be when I get entangled with them, and as harshly as I may write about them, they’re entitled to live their lives the way they want to. What I take issue with is deception. When you think you have a chance with someone (and they let you believe that) and they pull out the ultimate trump card: I don’t want anything serious, I just want to be single. After all that time, you were barking up the wrong tree, knocking on the door of an empty house.

I will not be judged for wanting to love and be loved.

-Andrew

Andrew wrote this piece as a guest contributor for Mosaik.

He is the author to the tumblr blog tragicomic misadventures in dating// melbourne gay seeks distraction, validation and love. While also writing zines of the same theme.

Andrew was also recently featured in one of our recent People Profiles.

*Mosaik does not take credit for the image used in this article