We all like to think we know exactly what anxiety is and how it affects the individual, but the truth is that it’s such a fickle concept and there are so many shapes and forms of the nervous disorder that it’s hard to speak on behalf of every anxiety sufferer out there. How do I know this? I had anxiety for most the part of my teenage life.
I can’t speak on behalf of everyone, but this is what would happen to me whenever I was faced with episodes of anxiety: it would feel as if I received a great big rush of adrenaline, my breathing and heart-rate would increase, my throat would tighten, and my hands would begin to shake uncontrollably. I would feel a twisted pain in my stomach. This happened every single time. I never knew what brought it on. At school, I would ask to leave the class and rush to the bathrooms, splash my face with water and calm myself down. In public places it would sometimes get to the point where I would have to sit on the side of the road and just calm myself down. I never had any idea what was happening to my body and why it was happening.
I still, to this day, cannot pinpoint the one thing that set off my anxiety. However, I do know that my anxiety became a lot worse whenever I was faced with situations I had no control over. This was things that are a part of normal everyday life, such as catching public transport, or going to high school and not knowing what work was going to be set, or even just visiting a cafe you have never been to. The first episodes of my anxiety were realised in 2007 when I was in America. I was in Disneyland - ‘the happiest place on earth’ - and had to find park benches in the crammed park so that I could sit down and calm myself down from all of the chaos. This would happen so frequently that I began worrying about what was happening to me.
Matters became significantly worse in 2011. I had reached VCE and, as a perfectionist, felt overwhelmed by the increase in workload and difficulty of the subject matter. For someone who loved (and still loves) high school, it seems an odd thing to say, but there was a large part of 2011 where I woke up every school day not wanting to go because I knew that anxiety would take over my day. Whenever it was suggested that I visit a psychologist, I would refuse and break down because I thought that by seeing one I would be viewed as ‘having something wrong with me’. In hind-sight, if I had addressed my anxiety earlier on, it may not have affected me for as long as it did. I can’t stress enough the importance of addressing mental health in the early stages and finding a good support network.
Year 12 was a big challenge for me, but it was also one of the most valuable years of my life to date. It was the year that I overcame the severe effects of my anxiety. I made sure to involve myself in all of the things I used to love, such as inter-school sports and yearbook, and even apply for Valedictorian. The more I would involve myself in, the more I realised that being a part of different things opened up my mind to brilliant new concepts and skills that, had I not been a part of, would have been left completely unacknowledged.
It’s easy for me to hold onto the idea that I found the strength to overcome my own problems, but I know that this isn’t the case for everyone. For me, I knew that - despite what was happening to my mind and body - I had that little bit of mental strength that would allow me to deal with what was happening to me, personally. It didn’t come easy, but I did conquer it. I had faith in myself to challenge my boundaries, and that resulted in a positive improvement to my mental health. I had a few people that knew about my anxiety that did help me along the way, too, whether they realised it or not.
There are some positives that came out of my dealings with anxiety:
- It allowed me to recognise that it is okay to not have complete control over things because - more often than not - you will be surrounded by others who have different skills and views to you, and you can work together to overcome any kind of obstacle that life throws at you.
- A teacher reminded me in year twelve that what was happening to me was a reminder that I think and feel so deeply, and I care about what I do. It is human to feel so intensely and passionately, and that isn't a bad thing.
In attempt to lighten a relatively dark piece of writing, I’ll let you all know that the things that used to frighten me and hindered me from properly living is now what I thrive off; I love involving myself in as many new things as possible, and I will make a conscious effort to regularly challenge myself to ensure that I don’t revisit that dark and defeating state. I am now at a point where I am obviously still changing and growing, but am very content with the person I am becoming and the obstacles I have faced to reach where I am today.
Know that hardships will inevitably take part in everyone’s life at some stage, and it is okay to have a ‘bad day’ every so often. Also know that waking up and being healthy each and every day is a blessing in itself, and for as many bad things that there are in this world, there is an even greater amount of good. Focus on what makes you feel like a valued and exceptional person, and thrive on that. Never feel that you are not good enough. At this current moment, you are the greatest you that you can be.
-N
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If you’re feeling down or need support, Beyond Blue is a brilliant resource.
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